Gotta Go My Own Way
by chuckyshmucky
Summary: Oneshot! Sam's goodbye to Seattle before she leaves. iGoodbye alternate ending. I know it's been ages since then but I was sad and angry and I didn't want to write ;) A bit OOC :) R&R pleaseeee!


Gotta Go My Own Way

Trust. Does that even mean anything anymore? I sat down on my bed, looking around at the room I had barely spent any time in over the past 10 years. I just used to hang out at Carly's all the time. Carly. She was the perfect best friend. She put up with all of my crap and bailed me out of a situation more than once. She was there for me whenever I needed her. But did she ever really understand? And then there was Freddie. The nub. The geek. The loser. All of the names I have called him and all the shit I've put him through, but he's always been there. He was my first kiss. Like Carly was my first true friend. At least I thought so anyway. But then I realised everyone is the same. You put your trust in them and they let you down. I trusted my daddy and he left us alone and never came back. I trusted my mummy and she left me alone in the house while she went out on dates. I trusted Mellie and she left me to look after mum while she went off to her fancy boarding school. I trusted my Uncle Carmine to look after me when nobody else could and he got arrested and put in prison. I trusted Carly and Freddie and they broke my heart. That night with Freddie in the elevator, I let my walls down and told him I loved him. I let out everything to him that night, and he wiped my tears and told me he loved me and we would get back together when it seemed easier. We kissed and went our separate ways. Turns out he's not as bad an actor as I thought, because he was just like all the others. Using me to get to Carly. Carly Shay. The perfect girl with the perfect grades and the perfect personality and the perfect looks. I'd hate her if I didn't love her. But she's always been there. When my dad left and when me and Freddie broke up, She gave me some ham and some tissues, and listened. She obviously wasn't listening very hard. I didn't realise I was crying until I saw a tear fall onto my hand. I quickly wiped my eyes and noticed the mascara. Make up. Another thing that I'd used for Freddie's attention. I tried to be nicer, I hadn't beaten anyone up in months. All for nothing. I looked around my room and realised how much I'd changed. I wasn't mean unless it was necessary and I definitely ate less than I used to. Heck, I had even made an effort in shop!

_(flashback)_

_I attached the wires to the piece of sharp metal on the stick of wood, knowing that if I touched them in the right place then they would give out a little electric shock. I hid the weapon in my bag, knowing that if I was caught with it then it would be taken away. The bell went and I looked to the front of the class, locking eyes on my target. Fredward Benson. The creep who lived across the hall from Carly. Me and Carls had been best friends for years and then he moved in across the hall from her and was immediately smitten with her. I took the opportunity of an easy target and had bullied him ever since. He walked out in the hall and I was right behind him. I saw him approach Carly and he was going for a cool greeting. Wrong. I zapped him at just the right time and he shuddered before falling on the floor._

"_Oh my god! Freddie, are you okay?!" she squealed. She looked up and saw me, smirking and holding my zapping machine. "Sam!" she scolded, helping Freddie up._

"_He asked for it!" I shouted back._

"_What did I do?!" he demanded, straightening his shirt. _

"_I dunno, you probably did something" I said, opening my locker. _

"_You're such a jank" he snapped._

"_What did you say?!" I shouted, slapping him. He slapped me back and we got into a fight. _

"_Hey hey hey, you guys, stop!" Carly shouted, pulling us apart._

"_She started it" Freddie whined._

"_She started it" I repeated, mocking him. _

_We started arguing again until Carly cut in. "Stop! Will there ever be a day when you two don't fight? You know, they say when a boy and girl always fight, it actually means they're in love."_

_I looked at Freddie and shuddered. "That. Is. Disgusting." I said._

"_You know, I agree with Sam on this one Carly. I'd never date Sam Puckett, and she'd never date me." he insisted._

"_Carly will never date you either," I said, before stamping on his foot and walking away. "Later."_

I smiled, remembering that time. Then my smile faded when I remembered what had happened. I had made all that effort to not be like Sam Puckett. I had started being nicer and wearing make up. All for nothing. I could feel myself shaking with rage and I just lashed out. I went over to my dresser and knocked all the make up off it, bottles smashing on the floor and tubs clattering. I just ran around then, wrecking my room and letting all my anger and sadness and frustration out, until I reached my special bedside table. I picked up the first photo, a picture of me, mellie, my mom and my dad when we were happy. I smiled and put it down again before looking at the other items. There was the necklace that Mellie had the other half of. My grandma's diamond earrings. A picture of me and Freddie that I look at every day. I picked it up and felt my heart break even more. It was when we were dating and we were just hanging out at Carly's.

_(flashback)_

_Benson was sat on the couch and I was curled up against him. His insane mother was prowling so we had no choice but to hang around here with the door locked until she gave up. I noticed Freddie looking at me for the 8__th__ time. _

"_What?!" I demanded._

"_You" he said, smiling like a goofball._

"_What about me?" _

"_I never noticed how pretty your eyes are. They're so blue, I could look at them for hours."_

_I couldn't help but smile. It was sickly but people weren't normally kind to me or cared about me as much as him. "You're such a nub" I said. "But thank you" I reached up and kissed him, smiling against his lips._

_Unknown to us, Carly was in the kitchen with tears in her eyes and her pear phone in her hands. She had to take a picture of her best friends, happier than she had ever seen them._

He was lying. Just like everyone else. I saw the collage of our friendship that Carly gave me for my 18th and picked it up. I felt myself shaking again but instead of lashing out like before, I just burst into tears and slid down to the floor. I laid amongst the mess that I had caused and I wept and wept, clutching the picture to my chest. It hurt so much. My heart wasn't even broken anymore, it was empty. I cried and cried, and thought back to the moment that hurt so much at the Shay's.

_(flashback)_

_I grabbed my phone from Carly's room, clutching it in my right hand and my blue remote in the other. I planned to give it to Carly. Then she could have a cheer whenever she needed cheering up. I walked past the iCarly studio and saw Freddie and Carly in there. I know they wanted their goodbye so I stayed outside. I wanted to talk to Freddie later though. About that phone call. Did he want to get back together? Because I did, I think. I don't feel like we should until Carly's been gone for a couple of weeks though. Do I really want him or is it just a comfort to have someone there now Carly's gone? Because we did say we loved each other, and I've been trying so hard to be more normal. I'm worried about what's next though. Like how will college- I was pulled from my thoughts when I looked and saw Carly and Freddie kissing. What?! I felt a burning in my chest and my eyes instantly tear up. I then remembered that he had wanted her again after me and Gibby opened the restaurant. He doesn't want me. He wants Carly Shay. Always has done. I quickly wiped my eyes and ran down stairs, relishing the calm before the storm._

When I felt like I couldn't cry any more, I got up from the floor and sorted myself out. There's no point in faking any more, Freddie's not bothered. I tied my curly blonde hair up into a ponytail and didn't bother with make up, just washing my face. I then went up to my bedside table to tidy it all up when I noticed two other things. The picture from the party at Keenan Thompson's house and a picture I would always cherish. It was a picture of me and Spencer. When it had been the girls' choice dance and Gibby had gone with Tasha and Carly was with Freddie. I caught them in the groovy smoothie but I just walked away. It hurt, but I didn't know why. So I went to the Shays and waited for Carly to get home. I went straight for the fridge and refused to talk to Spencer so he knew something was wrong. He didn't question it though, he just went to his room and didn't come out for another 30 minutes. When he came out though, he was wearing a tux and asked me to dance. He gave me a mini prom with all my favourite songs, ham and even took a couple of prom photos. It was then that I truly realised Spencer was the closest thing I was going to have for a dad, and I really did love him. One of the prom photos was now on my desk, with the motorcycle keys. Then I did what I do best. Something crazy. I grabbed a bag and started shoving stuff in it from around my room. Clothes and stuff. Then I went to the bathroom and grabbed some toothpaste and stuff. I ran downstairs and wrote a note for my mom:

_**Gone to see Mellie. Probably won't be back for a couple of months. If you move house again please text me the new address so I don't come home and almost get arrested for trespassing. Also text me if you want me to tell Mellie anything.**_

_**Love from, your second favourite xxxx**_

With that done, I grabbed my bag and took one last look around the house I could never call home. I locked up and jumped on my motorcycle, heading over to the place I used to call home. I knocked on the door and came face to face with Spencer, clearly in a worse state than I was.

"Oh, hey Sam" he said, suddenly perking up. "I was just about to call you!"

"Call me? Why?" I asked, walking in and sitting down next to Gibby on the couch.

"I needed to ask you something." he said, looking at me. It was silent for a while until I realised he wanted Gibby to leave.

"Gibby, shove off!" I shouted, hitting him.

"Ow!" he shouted back. "I'll be up in the studio fixing my broken limb."

I rolled my eyes at his dramatics before turning back to Spencer. "So?"

"Well, I know this is crazy and you've been getting along with your mom much better recently but.." he stuttered and trailed off.

"What?" I asked, getting him to look at me.

"Well Carly's not coming back anytime soon and it's going to get pretty lonely around here and I know how much you've always loved her room and I just wondered if you wanted to move in? Freddie's across the hall and Gibby will always be hanging around and well, you're like my other little sister." he looked at me hopefully and my heart broke in a second.

"Oh Spencer! I would love to move in and maybe I will when I get back…"

"Back? From where?"

"It's too hard to stay here in Seattle. I just keep getting reminded that Carly's gone and iCarly won't be made for ages and it's just…everything."

"Well…where will you go?"

"I'll go and stay with Melanie for a while. Haven't seen her since Christmas anyway…Spence, can I ask you a favour?"

"Anything Sam."

"Can you drive me to Melanie's? I was going to go on my motorcycle but I don't know how to get all my stuff there and-"

"Sam! Of course I will! I wouldn't dream of letting you go all the way to New York on your own!"

"Thanks Spence."

"I take it you want to leave soon?"

"Yes please."

"Okay, you go say your goodbyes and I'll meet you in the lobby in 30 minutes." he walked off to his room to get ready.

"Hey Spence?" He turned around in time for me to run up to him and grab him in a bone-crushing hug. "Thanks."

"No, thank _you _kiddo." he said, rubbing my back and then holding me at arms length. "Don't leave anything unsaid, Sam. If you go and don't tell _people _how you feel, you're going to regret it." He winked at me and continued into his room.

I went to the fridge and got out the small amount of ham I had left at the Shays. I turned around and saw Gibby stood there with an envelope in his hands.

"Oh hey Gib" I said, cutting my ham.

"Is it true?" he asked.

"Is what true?"

"Are you really leaving Seattle?"

I stopped carving my ham and turned to look at him. "So you heard, huh?" I asked, sheepishly.

"I know you miss Carly, but I don't know if I can handle my other girl leaving."

"I'm not your girl, gibwad!"

"You know what I mean, Sam. I'm going to miss you, that's all."

He pulled me into a hug and I couldn't help but smile. Sure, he may be weird and take his top off at the most inappropriate of times, but he is caring and he does give good hugs.

He pulled away and handed me the white envelope. I opened it and revealed lots of notes. "Gibby, what's this?!" I shouted.

"The money from the till at Gibby's. I couldn't have done it without you and you've earned it."

I jumped up and hugged him again, "Thanks Gibby! I'll be sure to visit if I'm back in Seattle."

I heard the familiar "Gibbaaaaaayy" and smiled. I was walking away when he stopped me, "Hey Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I know he can be a bit of a gank when it comes to you and Carly, but don't forget to say goodbye to Freddie properly."

Trust Gibby and Carly to be 'seddie' plotting behind our backs. I nodded at him before walking to that one place where I could truly say goodbye to the crazy relationship that was…_Seddie._

* * *

I looked out over Seattle and sighed. It was so pretty with all the lights and the cars rushing past below me. New York is pretty but not a patch on Seattle. Mellie misses it everyday. Am I making the right choice? I was drawn from my thoughts by a familiar voice. A voice that had made the past 18 years in this city a rollercoaster. "Wow, this takes me back." he said.

"Tell me about it." I replied, still looking at the streets below us.

"You missing Carly?"

"No shit Sherlock!" I snapped.

"Alright! So…Sam….?"

"Spit it out Freddork!"

"That phone call earlier…?"

I froze. I wasn't expecting it to come up this early in the conversation. "What about it?" I said, without as much power as I'd hoped.

"I meant it Sam, do you want to get back together?"

My heart was beating so loud I was sure he would be able to hear it. "What? Well I did…but then…"

"Did? Why have you changed your mind?!"

"Because I'm leaving Seattle. Now Carly's gone, there's nothing left here for me anymore."

I tried to ignore the hurt look on his face. "What do you mean Sam? There's me, Spencer and Gibby. Your mom?"

I scoffed, "Please. If it wasn't for Carly then I wouldn't have met Spencer and she wouldn't have tamed me so Gibby would still be completely terrified of me. And if you hadn't moved in across the hall and developed that pathetic crush on Carly then we would never have met either!" I didn't realise I was shouting until he talked to me in a normal voice.

"Sam, are you sure you leaving….is the only reason we couldn't be together?"

"It just wouldn't work Frednub! It never has before so what makes you think it will now? I've tried my best to be normal but it didn't work because you just love Carly instead. You finally got to kiss your dream girl but then she left and so you settled for me. But I don't want to be second best! I've been second best all my life and I'm sick of it!" I could feel the tears in my eyes and I tried my best to swallow down the lump in my throat. My chest was burning and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I looked up and our eyes locked, blue connecting with brown. Our breathing could be heard even over the noises of Seattle and it didn't take long for us to crack. It was like that night at the lock in last year. His hands went to my waist and mine to his shoulders, our lips connecting in a bruising kiss. We slowly moved our mouths together as my hands went to his hair and his linked behind my back. His tongue begged access to my mouth and I happily obliged, moaning when his tongue touched mine. He pulled me even closer to him and lifted my jumper and shirt up, his fingers lightly brushing my back and sides. This earned him another moan and he smirked against my mouth. _This took me back to the night we split up, in the elevator. The night he told me he loved me. Pfft, what bullcrap. _I pulled away after the fog from my head cleared and I realised what was happening. He pressed our foreheads together, and neither of us said anything until our breathing slowed again.

"Sam, we can make this work. I love you so much. Please don't give up on us." he said, and I've never heard anyone speak with so much heart.

"Freddie…you kissed Carly. You've always loved Carly." I said back, spilling everything like I did in that elevator.

"Yeah, I do love Carly." I tensed up and felt that pain in my chest again. "But I love you too. I love Carly almost like a sister, and I feel really protective over her. I kissed her because I've always loved her and if she meets a guy in Italy then I'll never get to kiss her again. It was like mine and your first kiss, we just did it to do it, you know?" I smirked as I remembered my exact words after our first kiss. "But Sam, the way I feel about you is just…crazy. I kissed you because I don't want you to leave. I love you so much Sam."

I was torn. I really loved Freddie but I couldn't believe he only loved Carly as a sister. Because he still loved her. And I couldn't be second best. I didn't know how to tell Freddie, but I pulled away from him and checked my phone, seeing I only had 5 minutes until I was meeting Spencer in the lobby. I couldn't stay here much longer, or I'd change my mind. I was just going to say my peace, and then I'd leave for a new, less confusing life. I opened my mouth and told him how I felt in the only way I could…through singing.

"**I gotta say what's on my mind,**

**Something about us doesn't seem right these days,**

**Life keeps getting in the way,**

**Whenever we try somehow the plan is always rearranged."**

_('Stop pretending you can be in a relationship when you both know it's weird and wrong!')_

I looked over the railings out onto the city below me.

"**It's so hard to say but I've gotta do what's best for me,**

**You'll be okay.**

**I've got to move on and be who I am,**

**I just don't belong here, I hope you understand,**

**We might find our place in this world someday,**

**But at least for now,**

**I've gotta go my own way."**

"**Don't wanna leave it all behind,**

**But I get my hopes up, and I watch them fall every time."**

_('D'you want to get back together?' 'What?! W-wait, do you?'….)_

"**Another colour turns to grey,**

**And it's just to hard to watch it all, slowly fade away.**

**I'm leaving today, cause I've gotta do what's best for me,**

**You'll be okay."**

I caressed his cheek and our tear-filled eyes mirrored each other.

"**I've got to move on and be who I am,**

**I just don't belong here, I hope you understand,**

**We might find our place in this world some day,**

**But at least for now,**

**I've gotta go my own way."**

I walked away, knowing he understood what I meant and that this wasn't goodbye. Well, not properly anyway. I was almost at the window when I heard his voice…joining in the singing:

**F: "What about us? What about everything we've been through?"**

I turned around and saw him stood there, looking vulnerable and…broken. I sung back at him, knowing that this was all out feelings being expressed.

**S: "What about trust?!"**

**F: "You know I never wanted to hurt you."**

**S: "And what about me?"**

**F: "What am I supposed to do?"**

We walked towards each other, meeting in the middle, hands intertwined and foreheads together.

**B: "I gotta leave but I'll miss you."**

**S: "So, I've got to move on and be who I am,"**

**F: "Why do you have to go?"**

**S: "I just don't belong here, I hope you understand."**

**F: "I'm trying to understand."**

**S: "We might find a place in this world someday,**

**But at least for now,"**

**F: "I want you to stay!"**

**S: "I gotta go my own way!"**

I let go of him and ran off the fire escape and to the elevator, never looking back. I called the elevator and saw that it was coming from the ground floor, turning around to see Freddie stood there. He stood right in front of me, but there was no contact. I started to sing again, much softer this time.

**S: "I've got to move on and be who I am,"**

**F: "What about us?"**

**S: "I just don't belong here, I hope you understand,"**

**F: "I tried to understand,"**

**S: "We might find our place in this world someday,**

**But at least for now,**

**I've gotta go my own way."**

The song trailed off and he just looked at me, pleading. I shook my head and wiped the tears off his cheek, reaching up on my tiptoes to kiss his lips. The elevator came and I got in, waving goodbye to Freddie as he just stood there, shouting 'I love you' as the elevator doors closed at the last second. I burst into tears then, the sobs racking my body. I had lost everything that night, and it hurt so much. The elevator reached the 1st floor and I sorted myself out, controlling my breathing and wiping my face. I stepped out the elevator and saw Spencer in the lobby with my bags. I smiled at him and he opened his arms, catching me in a brotherly hug. "Come on kid," he said, "lets go find your new adventure." I walked to his car and got in, saying goodbye to Bushwell Plasa and all the memories it held.

* * *

I was sat on Melanie's sofa, watching re-runs of Girly Cow and eating ham. She had tried to persuade me to get a job, but gave up when she realised I hadn't changed that much. Now she was out on a date with some loser from her school, while I was here lacking any company. Surprisingly enough, me and Mellie had been getting on great. Clearly having an insane mother brought out the extremities in us and made us fight whenever she was around. But when we were alone, it was just like old times. Minus the dad. I heard my phone ringing and sighed, not knowing if I could handle another phone call from Freddie, telling me about his life when really he wanted to know if I was going back to Seattle anytime soon. Unlikely Benson. I picked up the red pear phone and saw an unknown number. I answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Sam Puckett?"

"Yeah, who wants to know?!"

"I'm Helen Dubios, principle at Hollywood Arts High School. I was wondering if you wanted to come to our school sometime soon and give a talk about making a web show?"

* * *

**AN: So there it is! I started this weeks ago and I just got sad whenever I wrote it. I know HSM is for like 12 year olds but the song seemed so relevant to Sam and Freddie so I had to use it! I also know it's a bit AU but hey…a girl can dream right?**

**Can't wait for Sam&Cat, so glad it's been renewed! Ramblings over. R&R pleases!**

**chuckyshmucky -xo**


End file.
